Last Updated Friday January 19, 2007

 Humor & Fun Stuff   

Mr. El Woffo our Web Master

Always Under Construction


Only Humor of Mild Nature Here

The Atheist and the Shark


The Atheist and the Shark 

 There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming toward his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head toward him. His boat is a long way off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its

teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"  

   In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" 

   Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" 

   The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. 

  Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows

its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to  receive..."


Bear Warning

  The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and  fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.  We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.     We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.  It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.        Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.  Black bear droppings are small and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.

      Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

TOP 11 cards you'll never see in Hallmark:

 1) "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

2) "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

3) "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

4) "Congratulations on your promotion!  Take this knife out of my back.  You'll probably need it again."

5) "I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."

6) "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."

7) "Just remember... Jesus Loves You- Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!"

8) "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

9) "Congratulations on your new baby! Did you ever find out who the father was?"

10) "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."

11) "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!






















AND FINALLY.......  



Nancy and her Goldfish

     Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor

peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was

up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,Nancy?"   

  "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and

I've just buried him." 

  The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a

goldfish, isn't it?" 

  Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because

he's inside your ****ing cat."

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

   Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, blush, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.  


Show up naked.

The Chinese Laundry


woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese

laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in

her panties. 

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese

laundryman that says,

"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman

sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap

on panties."


Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with

his own note that said,

"Use more paper on ass."

First Class Blonde


On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."


Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the blonde asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, an I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.


The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"


Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Hunting Beavers


An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how

he is feeling "I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my

child.  What do you think about that?" 


The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell

you a story. I know of guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. 

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his

umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and

suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his

umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM!!!! The

beaver drops dead in front of him. 

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must

have shot that beaver." 

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."



A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."  

The 5 year old continues.  

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass." OK?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.  

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."  

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.  

The mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"  

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

The First Graders


The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. 

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. 

The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." 

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." 

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,


"Winnie the Shit."

Los Angeles Driving Test


For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam;


This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the  Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.


Here it is below: 




Name:______________ Stage name: ________________






Sex:___male ___female ___ formerly male ___formerly female____both


If female, indicate breast implant size:  ____


Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?           Yes___  No ___


Please list brand of cell phone:  ________.


If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________


Please check hair color:


Females: [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum  Blonde


Teenagers: [  ] Purple [ ] Blue [  ] Skinhead


Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)


[ ] Eating


[ ] Applying make-up


[ ] Talking on the phone


[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat


[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs


[ ] Tanning


[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)


[ ] Watching TV


[ ] Reading Variety


[ ] Surfing the net via laptop


Please indicate how many times


a)      you expect to shoot at other drivers ______


b)      how many times you expect to be shot at whiledriving______


If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:


a)      Call the police to report the crime


b)      Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase


c)      Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through


d)      Call your therapist


e)      None of the above (South Central residents only)


In the event of an earthquake, should you:


a)      stop your car


b)      keep driving and hope for the best


c)      immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones


d)      pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4


In the instance of rain, you should:


a)      never drive over 5 MPH


b)      drive twice as fast as usual


c)      you're not sure what "rain" is


Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:____.


Are you presently taking any of the following medications?


a)      Prozac


b)      Zovirax


c)      Lithium


d)      Zanax


e)      Valium


f)      Zoloft


If none, please explain:   __________________


Length of daily commute:


a)      1 hour


b)      2 hours


c)      3 hours


d)      4 hours or more


When stopped by police, should you:


a)      Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready


b)      Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway


c)      Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.


   Dear Wife:


You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. 

Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: 


Dear Husband:


You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.  Therefore don't wait up.

Your wife

A Father And His Son

     A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the difference

between potentially and realistically?" The father pondered for a while,

then  answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford

for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million  dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."


  So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert

Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I

wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt

for a million dollars?" The girl replied. "Oh gosh!! I would just love to

do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".


  The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his

dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

potential and realistic?"  The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're

sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two



  The father replied, "That's my boy!"

Work Vs. Prison

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors by yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK : You get fired if you get caught.

Murphy's Top 10 Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant
it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of
the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want it to do.
Dirty Sounding Law
Top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the #1 dirty law statement.....
1. Think you can get me off?
Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My
feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
Old Lady & the Bank President
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The
bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying
so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as
a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked
them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his
balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could
all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000
is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What
the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am
today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Old Soldier
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet
and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open
and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr. Reiss, did you know
that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to
look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have
some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the
way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning,
did you see a soldier standing at attention?"

She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw
was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
Old Man at the Bank
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. They both return and the manager
asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
IRS & Male Tax Payers

   notice Of Increase In Tax Payments To All Male Taxpayers

The only thing the government has not yet taxed is your "PECKER."
Mainly because 98% of the time your pecker is out of work and the
2% it is in the hole. Moreover, it has two dependents who are
both nuts.
Accordingly, beginning on April 1 of this year, your pecker will
be taxed according to its size. Use the Pecker-Checker scale
listed below to determine your tax.
Please insert the information on page 6, section P, subsection z,
line 69 of your State Income Tax Form.
Very truly yours,

10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $25.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

Please do not request an extension.

Rabi Vs The IRS

   A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to
review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to
interrogate the rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the
wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to
waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a
candle factory and they send the temple new candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?"
asked the auditor.
"Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send
them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal."
"All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that
you are a moyel as well as a rabbi. What do you do with the
leftovers from the circumcisions?"

"Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC... and
they send us you."

Businessman on his Deathbed

   A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill,
I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them
to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now
you have everything."

  Actual Employee Evaluations

The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and shows signs of starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid

3. I would not allow this man to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap.

6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This man has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to
achieve them.

10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

14. A room temperature I.Q.

15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that
holds it together.

16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished
using it.

22. Fell out of his family tree.

23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains
isn't coming.

24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out
looking for it.

25. He's so dense, light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get
change back.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.


  Are You Kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 Employee Bathroom Privileges

TO: All Employees

From: Management

Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the
restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995, a
Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent
method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for
each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be
given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated
from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being
equipped with personnel identification stations and computer
linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks,
each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal
and one under stress) to management by Feb. 10, 1995. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational, but not
restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should familiarize
themselves with the stations during this period. It will be
restrictive starting March 1, 1995.

If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all
restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until
the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time
paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than
three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire
building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and
announce over the public announcing system the name of the
delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper
will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will
automatically open. If, at that time, the employee still remains
seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be
linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have
any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you

Thank You!


 Doggie Goes Out For A Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are
an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at
the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be
able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you
have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and
went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a
perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at
the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog
and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't
give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that
you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

 Subject: Things To Learn From Children....

For those who already have children past this age, this is

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from a mother in Austin, Texas.


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four
year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a six year old is wonderful.

First Grade.....true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
three little pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where
the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy
Shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 GM Versus Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's
comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be drivingcars with
the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn,
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and
grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM
subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want
them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

  Lost Star Trek Episode: Windows Vs The Borg

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcripts.

Epsidode 3.1 : Windows vs The Borg

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer

Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows,' through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade.' The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade.' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F..."

Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack.'

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo!"


Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together (horrified): "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with pieces of paper."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red
tape' -- it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserves that."

 Jordan, Gates, Dalai Lama, and the Hippie

  One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere
above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot,
Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the
luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with
smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad
news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is
that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The
world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete
should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the
remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest
man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man
should have a parachute too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another.

Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a
satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment.
You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will
go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry pop. The
world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Bill Gates Being Sized Up By God

   "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to
see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to
see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and
tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no
matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing
in the water????"

Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

  Bill Gates Buys A House

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are
free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think
its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by
the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture
into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the
entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...
etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when
you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't
fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.
You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The
water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is
failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing
access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the
house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter
the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you
selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to
release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due
out this year, but we've had some delays..."

 Little Johnny

 Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of

liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked

up and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful

liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful

liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water

on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put

this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson...."
 was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of

liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked

up and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful

liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful

liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water

on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put

this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson...."

   Actual Letter Sent To a Bank

   Actual Letter Sent To a Bank
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in The New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check,
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by
these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of
your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is
an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight

pages,but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace,
and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system which, you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
Press buttons as follows:
1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
(extension in living room to be communicated at the time the call is
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
(Extension in bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature

  Pennsylvania Board Of Health On Alcohol

   Pennsylvania Board Of Health On Alcohol

Pennsylvania Board Of Health Has Proposed That Warning Signs
Be Placed On Booze Bottles To Tip Off Drinkers About The Possible
Perils Of Alcohol.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like an asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings
like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really
big guy named Psycho.



A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the
closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet,
with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it."

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are

in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$75.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.


outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$100.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

 Drink, Drank, Drunk

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his friends.
--Ernest Hemingway

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven....
--Brian O'Rourke

He was a wise man who invented beer.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

  A Rude Drunk

   A Rude Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

You have only six months to live

At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his

patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to

be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you

have only six months to live."

"Oh, my God," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in

he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any

suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After

all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to

live I'd better make the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded,

he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl, how come?"

"It'll seem longer."

 It All Happened One Day In Eden...

   It All Happened One Day In Eden...

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be
bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good
at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."

"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised
"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, there is one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

 Who Is Better On The Computer?

 Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said,
"Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours,
and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made
cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time
was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity
finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed,
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." 


 I Missed

   I Missed
A priest and a nun went golfing one day. The priest seemed to
have an extremely foul mouth for a priest. He was first to putt.

"God damnit, I missed!" exclaimed the priest.

This upset the nun. She replied, "If you say that two more times,
God will send a bolt of lightning down from the sky at you!"

The priest then takes his second putt. "God damnit, I missed
again!" screamed the priest even louder.

The nun wasn't very happy with the priest this time. "If you say
that again, I know you will get struck by lightning. God doesn't
like his name used in vain."

This priest wasn't a very good golfer, for he missed again.
Ignoring the nun's threats, he yells, "God damnit, I missed!"

Then, all of a sudden, there came a huge bolt of lightning down
from the sky. It hit the nun. Then the clouds move and God peeks
down. He yells, "God damnit, I missed!"


  Bernie Schwartz is dead

   Bernie Schwartz is dead

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job

to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or


As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was

about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie

Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said

the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a

tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the

dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a

briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have

something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his


"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

   The Creation of Women

   The Creation of Women

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls
out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want
it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your
every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that
of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get
for a rib?"

   God's Pennies

   God's Pennies
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While
he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to

He replied, "One second."

The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million
dollars to you?"

And God replied, "A penny."

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I
have one of your pennies?"

And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

 God Created Man

   God Created Man

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from
sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat
grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years.
You will be a DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too
much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's
house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they
give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10.
God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to
branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you
will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me
only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only
rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to
control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will
live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not
enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey
refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years
that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a
man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children
leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house
and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into
retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house
to house or from children to children, doing silly things to
amuse the grandchildren.

Restless God


Restless God 

In the beginning, God created Earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
15 Laws For Women To Live By

   15 Laws For Women To Live By 

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put
them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too
old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

What Women Know About Men 

   What Women Know About Men 

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women?
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common.
They are both empty from the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows. . . . . .It's never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are
12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.
14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him
for the next twenty years. 
 His & Hers Road Trip 

   His & Hers Road Trip 

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from
the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this
is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11
said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the large slurpee.
18. Stops by the side of the road.
19. Takes a leak.
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done.
22. I think.
23. Returns to car.
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary.
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all.
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.
   How To Impress...

   How To Impress...

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
Show up naked,
Bring beer.
Women Vs Men: Wine Quotes Of The Day

   Women Vs Men: Wine Quotes Of The Day

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
 A Matter Of Punctuation 

   A Matter Of Punctuation 

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate
it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
   Ol' Fred & The Priest

   Ol' Fred & The Priest

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died.  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen
Transportation In Heaven 

Transportation In Heaven 

Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them,
"Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a
vehicle with which to get around.  The way we determine what type
of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your
wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man, "were you true to
your wife?"
"Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed.
From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no
woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply."
"As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now
give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."
The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the
second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"
Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must
admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice.
But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor
indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day."
St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good
marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac."
As the man takes the keys from his St. Peter turns to the third
man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"
"St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I could, every
chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that I didn't
sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St.
Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my
wife very much."
"Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife
and that does count for something, so this is what you get." 
With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the
man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter
Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he
sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is
sitting on the bumper of his car.  He is sobbing uncontrollably.
The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says, "Hey, pal,
what's the matter?  What could possibility be wrong?  You have a
beautiful Rolls Royce to drive arround in?"
"I know," say the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife
on roller skates!"
   Relief In Hell

   Relief In Hell

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select
his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall
being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The
new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really
old guy chained to the wall getting a b job from a gorgeous
blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and
says "Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".
  Nuns Vs. The Vampire

   Nuns Vs. The Vampire

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were traveling through
Europe in their car.  They got to Transylvania and were stopped
at a traffic light when, suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive
Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the
"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn.  "What shall we do?"
"Turn on the windshield wipers.  That will get rid of the
abomination," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouted.
"Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water
in the Vatican," replied Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer.  Dracula screamed
as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued
hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn opened the window and shouted, "That's it...get
the fuck off our car!"

Satan Goes To Church

   Satan Goes To Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their
lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man,
who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."


A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17." 
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
   Clinton Approaching The Pearly Gates

   Clinton Approaching The Pearly Gates

Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate --
approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St.
Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but
you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I
guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot,
but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite
period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't
'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over."
Heaven's Clocks 

   Heaven's Clocks 

A dignitary dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to him,  "Why
don't you let me show you around?"  The guy thinks this is a
great idea and graciously accepts the offer.  St. Peter shows him
all the sights:  the golf course, the reading room and library,
the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, a huge room
full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"  St. Peter explains,
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has
left on Earth.  When a clock runs out of time, the person die and
comes to our gates to be judged."  The guy notices some of the
clocks are going faster than others and asks why.  St. Peter
explains, "Every time a living person lies his clock goes a
little faster."
The guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and
notices one clock in the center of the ceiling, with both hands
spinning at an unbelievable rate. He asks, "What's the story with
that clock?"
St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to
use it as a ceiling fan."
  Clintons At The Gas Station

   Clintons At The Gas Station

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary`s
hometown.  They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station
for a fill-up.  The attendant comes out and begin's to pump gas
into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into
the passenger window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember
me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple
leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and
looks over at Hillary.  "You used to date that guy?  Just think
what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs.  The she replies, "Well I guess
you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
Comparison Of Nixon & Clinton  

   Comparison Of Nixon & Clinton  

Nixon:     Watergate
Clinton:   Waterbed
Nixon:     His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton:   His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon:     Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton:   Worried about carpet burns
Nixon:     His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton:   His Vice President is a geek
Nixon:     Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton:   Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon:     Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate
Clinton:   Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon:     His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton:   same
Nixon:     Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton    Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the
Nixon:     Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton:   Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon:     Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton:   Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon:     Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton:   Took on Ho
Nixon:     Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton:   Talked about getting a piece while on her
Surprise , Clinton Wants A Quickie

   Surprise , Clinton Wants A Quickie 

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.  As
they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "You
ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies.  "Sir, given the current
situation of your personal life, I don't think that's a good
idea.  I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."
She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's
pronounced 'Quiche.'"
   Noah And Today's Ark 

   Noah And Today's Ark 

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
 An Old Man's Dying Request 

   An Old Man's Dying Request 

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find
he didn't have long to live.  So he summoned the three most
important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
Well, today I found out I don't have long to live.  So I have
summoned you three here, because you are the most important
people in my life, and I need to ask a favor.  Today, I am going
to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. 
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money
into my grave.
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each
other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars
of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw
the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars
for the church.  Its all going to a good cause.  I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing!  "I am
surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."
"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !"


Lawyer Packing For Heaven

   Lawyer Packing For Heaven 

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take
it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser
finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough
money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the
bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and
grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up
in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases
stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I
knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." 
 Lawyer Sushi Bar 

   Lawyer Sushi Bar 

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively
to lawyers?
A: It's called, Sosumi. 
Answer This And You May Enter Heaven

   Answer This And You May Enter Heaven 

It was getting rather crowded in heaven so St. Peter decided to
be more careful about who he let into heaven.  A teacher came up
to St. Peter and so he decided to ask her a question and if she
got it right he would let her into heaven.  So he asks her, "What
was the famous ship that sunk that they just made a hit movie
The teacher quickly replied "The Titanic" and entered heaven.
The next person was a business man.  So St. Peter asked him, "How
many people died when the Titanic sunk?"
Luckily, the man had just seen the movie so he answered, "5,000."
St. Peter let him into heaven.
A lawyer then walked up to St. Peter and he figured that he would
easily get into heaven 'cause all the other questions were pretty
easy. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."
Viagra, The Wonder Drug

   Viagra, The Wonder Drug

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem.  Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud
physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra,
that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are
history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends
him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you! This drug is a miracle!  It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What
does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man.  "I haven't been home yet."
Heartbreak, Then Revenge

   Heartbreak, Then Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity with each other in 10th grade.  When they graduated,
they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was
accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the
west coast.  They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend
anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.  He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love.  Because she became annoyed,
and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old
boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, was pissed.  So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and
mailed the picture to her parents.
 How To Say 'I Love You' In Any Language

   How To Say 'I Love You' In Any Language

  English..........  I Love You
  Spanish..........  Te Amo
  French...........  Je T'aime
  German...........  Ich Liebe Dich
  Japanese.........  Ai Shite Imasu
  Italian..........  Ti Amo
  Chinese..........  Wo Ai Ni
  Swedish..........  Jag Alskar Dig
  Eskimo...........  Nagligivaget
  Greek............  S'Agapo
  Hawaiian.........  Aloha Wau la Oe
  Irish............  Thaim In Grabh Leat
  Hebrew...........  Ani Ohev Otakh
  Russian..........  Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
  Albanian.........  Une Te Dua
  Finnish..........  Mina Rakkastan Sinua
  Turkish..........  Seni Seviyorum
  Hungarian........  Se Ret Lay
  Persian..........  Du Stet Daram
  Maltese..........  Jien Inhobbok
  Catalan..........  Testimo Molt
  Armenian.......... Seromem Kez 
  Redneck .........  Nice Boobs
Firm This Up!

   Firm This Up!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and
replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast
and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of
your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man
and your brother."
  Jesus Is Watching

   Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player
to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of
his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked
out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would
name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller
Jesus," the bird answered.
Automobile Acronyms

   Automobile Acronyms

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead 
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot
General Maintenance
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buck's Irregular
Leftover Equipment
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Virtually Worthless
The Matador

   The Matador 

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes,corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.This time, the waiterbrings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?"
he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

CIA Test

   CIA Test

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

 The Cats Diary

   The Cats Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

L.A. Math Test

   L.A. Math Test

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam


1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?


Rules for Cats

   Rules for Cats
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

  Dogs and Men

   Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

















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Borat - Trailer

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Italian Time
Tequila Ad
Cat Herding
Fast Talker
FedEx Fast Talkers
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Jennifer Lopez - Slip Up
The Refrigerator
Moving a Refrigerator
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John West - The Best Salmon
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power of orange juice
Great funny video clips can be found here.  Funnyville commercial clips are always great for a laugh.
Commercial for Hyundai with reclining
Only the best and most hilarious funny videos and commercials can be seen here.
Kitty and the dog
Little Kitten Loves Dog
Karate Baby
Psycho cat attacks officer
The Dog Lawyer
The Dog Lawyer
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Think twice before teasing the elephant.
Cork Soakers
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Disco Dog
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Asian Girls Do It Better
Check it first
A good reason for premarital sex...
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Lawn chair drill team
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DUI Stop
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Dancing Bird
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Joy Ride
Flight 405
Flight 405
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Barking Cat
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Racist Gps
Racist GPS
FedEx Castaway

Suburban Trunk Monkey Stops Thief
German Coast Guard
German Coast Guard Commercial - We are thinking, or is it we are sinking?  Take a good English course and find out.  This is what the commercial suggests.
Interesting Stuff










1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



At age 4 success is... not having a "wreck" in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 16 success is... having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is... having money.
At age 50 success is... having money.
At age 70 success is... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is... having friends.
At age 80 success is... not having a "wreck" in your pants.





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